||[Jan. 13th, 2005|07:26 pm]
Some of you may read this. I could call this a cry for advice.|
Heres the thing. I CANT stand that he dosent miss or think of me. I hear of him so much. His buss gose to my house everyday. I lay in bed at 6:25 and hear the buss pull up to my house (freshmen buss stop) and i swear i could just run outside and hop on that buss. But id probably get staired at and id end up spending a day at the freshmen center and probably getting in a shit load of trouble. I guess what im trying to say is that i want to see him badly. Just to know hes alive. I kno hes alive but i just need to see him. I cant stand knowing he hates me i just..cant.
I think about the past so much. Im like uncle ricco in nypolan dintomite. I wanna go back to last year. If I could id change so many things. I would have been more confident in myself. I wouldnt have worn wat i wore, i wouldnt have eaten like i did. I would also have treated him better. And he could have treated me alot better. Theirs so many different ways i could have made my 7th grade year better. I sould have approched that whole "situation" with him. I souldnt have hated him for 3 months. I always thought he hated me. Only up to the point were he told me i ruiend his life. and that he hated me. Sounds like somthing i told him last year. I havent talked face to face with him for 5 months. Maybe thats my fault. I forgot about him so quick when I found someone new. But that someone new just kept telling me how angry he got and how he kept harassing him. I know this may sound very confusing.
I know how you may wonder why cant she forget this. Im wondering this myself. Last year at one point he was my whole world. And its funny becuase he never liked me. All he did was make fake promises and hurt me. I gave away my one and only nirvana cd because It reminded me of him so much. I couldnt stand it. I teared papers off my wall that reminded me of him. I riped up notes that had his name in it. The buss would drive by his house and id stair at it. I hate how that now im in his postion now he hates me and I dont hate him. I dont think hes going to the park anymore hes got to much of a life and things to do. I wonder how he is. If hes okay. I hope i really didnt ruien his life i had no intentions. I really am just am a heartbroken girl who cant forget the past. Its sad. But one day I may find someone new and forget this ever happened but untill that happens im going to keep missing him untill one day our lines cross. That may not be till 5 or 6 months. But i guess thats just how it goes..